Too Lost in You
by Chewie-Fan
Summary: This was written in response to a songfic challenge on another site. Words in itallics are the lyrics of Too Lost in You by the Sugababes.


Sugababes: Too Lost in You

_You look into my eyes_

_I go out of my mind_

_I can't see anything_

_Cos this love's got me blind_

The Falcon's lights retreated from her, blending among the stars until it winked out of sight. Still, she stared… unseeing… unmoving… unfeeling… unaware of Luke's comforting hand on her shoulder. Lost in memories of too few moments shared…

His flashing ire, "Maybe you'd like it better in your cell!"…

His audacious wink at the medal ceremony…

His intuitive, "You want me to stay because of the way you feel about me!"…

His protectively apologetic look as he took her hand before facing Vader…

_I can't help myself_

_I can't break the spell_

_I can't even try_

The pressure on her shoulder increased as her name was called by a distant voice that went unheard. She was lost in one splendid moment…

His eyes captured hers as he leaned closer…

"You like me because I'm a scoundrel" and closer…

"There aren't enough scoundrels in your life" and closer…

Until they melded into one…

_I'm in over my head_

_You got under my skin_

_I got no strength at all_

_In the state that I'm in_

Two arms enveloped her, attempting to draw her into his caring warmth, but she had no realization of Luke's embrace. She was too lost in that last horrifying moment…

Their desperate kiss as he was pulled away from her…

His fearful glance below him…

Her soul-baring plea, "I love you!"…

His eyes softening in sorrow and acceptance as he sank deeper and deeper…

_And my knees are weak_

_And my mouth can't speak_

_Fell too far this time_

Sinking to the floor, she collapsed in sobs against Luke's comforting chest. He held her like a child and rocked her in a gentle rhythm. "We'll find him, Leia. We'll find him," he promised. Unable to speak, she grasped his tunic and buried her face in its folds. The depth of her grief was overwhelming. She had fallen too far this time… Just too many losses, too many regrets, too many sorrows…

_Baby, I'm too lost in you_

_Caught in you_

_Lost in everything about you_

_So deep, I can't sleep_

_I can't think_

_I just think about the things that you do_

_I'm too lost in you_

_vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv_

One Month Later…

General Rieekan worriedly eyed Leia as she entered the meeting she had requested with the Council. Her plea to utilize their forces to help Lando and Chewie find Han had fallen on deaf ears. To be honest, as much as he wanted to organize and join a search party himself, he had not been able to agree to her request. They simply could not spare personnel, as they needed every recruit to set-up their new base of operations. He alone was aware that Leia's interest in finding Captain Solo was as much a personal quest as a military one.

Fingering her datapad, Leia finally looked up and met the gazes of the Council members.

"Mon Mothma, Generals, Admiral, thank you all for coming. I am…" She faltered for a moment, then straightened her shoulders and continued, "I am asking for a leave of absence from the Rebellion."

Unbelieving silence filled the room until Admiral Ackbar spoke, "But, Princess Leia, we need you now more than ever."

Nodding her head, Leia acknowledged his comment. "I am painfully aware of that, Admiral. I am torn in two directions by my loyalty; loyalty to the Rebellion and loyalty to my friends."

Madine's eyebrow shot up. "Would this have anything to do with your smuggler friend?"

Leia bristled at the tone of his voice. "Smuggler or not, General, he is still my friend. He saved my life more than once. I feel it is only fair that I return the favor."

Madine disregarded her reply and continued, "Princess Leia, surely you are not comparing your worth to Captain Solo's. You are much more valuable to the Rebellion than he is."

Barely managing to hold back her anger, Leia steadily replied, "I thought that each and every member of the Alliance was valued. Isn't that what we are fighting for, General? The value and freedom of each and every being in the galaxy?"

Madine would not give up. "That is our goal, of course, but pilots are easy to come by. You, on the other hand, are the only leader left to the people of Alderaan. You must stay with the Rebellion."

Tears welled in her eyes. "Alderaan? You hold Alderaan over my head, yet again? There is no Alderaan, General. It's gone, and with it the people I loved!"

General Rieekan tried to intercede before Leia lost all control. He was determined to help her maintain her dignity and respect among the Council members. He silently cursed Madine's insensitivity as he raised his hand in an attempt to stem the growing hostility.

Before he could interject, Mon Mothma took control of the situation. "Leia, we will take your request under advisement and let you know within 24 hours if we will grant it." Nodding to the council she announced, "Gentlemen, this meeting is adjourned." As Leia picked up her datapad, Mon Mothma added, "Leia, please stay." Dropping the pad on the table, Leia simply stood still, arms around herself, and stared at the floor.

Closing the door behind her, Mon Mothma took in Leia's demeanor with a discerning eye. She could see the dark circles, the slump of her shoulders, the loss of weight that was beginning to show through the hang of her clothes. Instead of the determined, strong leader she was mentoring, she saw a frightened, vulnerable young woman, and it worried her.

Sighing, the leader began, "Leia, Madine didn't mean to hurt you by bringing up Alderaan. He was simply appealing to your sense of duty."

Leia's head snapped up as sorrow and rage flashed in her eyes. "Don't you think I know that, Mon? All my life I've been taught that I had a duty to Alderaan, and I've spent my life fulfilling it. But what about my other duties? What about the duty to my friends? And what about… the duty to myself?" Collapsing in a chair, Leia lost her tenuous hold on herself and allowed the tears to flow freely.

As understanding dawned on her, Mon Mothma's sympathy was aroused. Leia was the closest thing she would ever have to a daughter, and she hated seeing her so distraught. Taking a seat next to her she asked, "Leia, what is this really about?"

Leia wiped the tears from her cheeks and whispered, "I have to find him."

"Why?"

"I just have to."

The leader exhaled a nervous breath, afraid to ask about what had entered her mind. "Leia, are you…" The word refused to leave her lips.

Leia looked up expectantly. "Am I what?"

"Pregnant?"

Leia gasped, "Of course not! How can you even ask that?"

Mon Mothma hesitantly went on. "Well, you were alone together for quite some time, and Captain Solo has somewhat of a, shall we say, a certain reputation. And you were obviously physically attracted to each other, so I assumed that it was a possibility."

Shaking her head and emitting an empty laugh, Leia muttered, "Well, I guess that could have been a possibility, but I'm not."

"Then why?"

Leia intently met Mon Mothma's gaze and admitted, "Because I love him."

Mon Mothma sat back in her chair and looked thoughtfully upon her protégé. "Leia, I know that love can be an overpowering sensation. It can distract you from everything else in your life so that you can't really see things clearly."

"See things clearly?" she mumbled. "Mon, I can't see anything at all. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I just feel so… so lost. I won't be of any use to the Rebellion until Han is back with us."

"I think I understand, Leia. Believe it or not, I was in love once too. The Rebellion was just forming and I knew that I had to make a choice. I couldn't fulfill my destiny as a leader and maintain a relationship that demanded so much of me. Love takes time, Leia, time we don't have."

Leia's head dropped into her hands. Duty… love… commitment… responsibility… Did she really have to make a choice? Did she have to sacrifice her entire being to the Rebellion, forsaking her own desires? Her conversation with Han in the South Passage ran through her mind repeatedly.

"We need? Oh, what about you need?"

"I need? I don't know what you're talking about."

"You probably don't"

The problem was that she finally did understand. The events at Bespin had cleared her mind, not clouded it. Reaching for the determination within herself, she replied, "I have to make the time Mon. I'll never forgive myself if I don't do something."

"And will you forgive yourself if you don't do the most you can for the Rebellion? Maybe the best thing you can do is stay with us and leave the rescuing to Chewbacca. Don't you think Han would want that?"

Leia massaged the back of her neck and thought for a moment.

"Han would want me safe, but I don't feel safe." Closing her eyes she mumbled, "I need him. I… I don't want to end up like…"

"Like what, Leia? Like me?"

Reaching out to her mentor, Leia apologized, "Oh, no, Mon. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way."

A knowing smile crept onto the leaders lips. "Yes you did, Leia. It's all right. I made a choice; the only choice I could make without regret. And you have to make your own."

"And I have. I just know that I'm stronger with him rather than without him. If I'm to continue helping the Rebellion, I have to find him."

"And what if you can't, or he's… gone?"

"Then I at least have to know what happened to him."

Giving up, Mon Mothma sighed, "Alright, Leia. Maybe there is a way we can aide you in your quest without compromising the needs of the Rebellion. I'll talk with the Council and get back to you in the morning. Go get some sleep."

Giving her mentor an appreciative hug, Leia left the room. Mon quietly closed the door behind her, and allowed her mind to slip into her own memories of a life that could have been.

_vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv_

_Well you whispered to me_

_And I shiver inside_

_You undo me and move me_

_In ways undefined_

Floating in coldness… blackness… nothingness… Surrounded by a tomb-like silence, his mind was numb with pain, confusion and fear. An agonized, distant whisper penetrated his frozen consciousness.

"Han, I love you. I need you. I want you."

His mind trembled, and he unsteadily reached out to the call, but he couldn't grasp it. "Please," he thought, "please call me again." He mutely screamed in frustration at the responding silence, and then pleaded with the voice, "Oh, sith… I don't know how or why, but I need to hear you…"

_And you're all I see_

_And you're all I need_

_Help me baby_

_Help me now_

Just when his non-existence had become infinite, when his sanity teetered on the precipice, the voice returned. Clear and confident, it was accompanied by a vision of beauty, strength and courage. She approached, cutting a swath of light through the blackness in front of him, commanding him to "Hold on, Han, hold on. We're coming."

His sanity tenuously returned and with it his memories of her. He immersed his mind in her embrace, her kiss and her love. He held on a little tighter, a little firmer, but prayed, "Hurry, Sweetheart, I need you now."

_Cos I'm slipping away_

_Like the sand to the tide_

_Flowing into your arms_

_Falling into your eyes_

He willed his dreams to become his reality as he floated in the void. He dreamed that he was holding her close, whispering his love, gazing into her eyes. Over and over they melted together, becoming one…

_If you get too near_

_I might disappear_

_I might lose my mind_

But somehow he knew that these dreams weren't real. As much as he wanted to believe that she loved him, he wondered if she was still afraid of losing herself. Would she still want him now that she'd been without him for gods knew how long? An anguished scream rumbled in his brain, but it had nowhere to go as it echoed and resonated in his mind.

_Baby, I'm too lost in you_

_Caught in you_

_Lost in everything about you_

_So deep, I can't sleep _

_I can't think_

_I just think about the things that you do_

_I'm too lost in you._

_vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv_

Five Months Later…

General Rieekan stopped by the Millennium Falcon one last time to check on Luke and Leia's preparations for their mission. Leia's close encounter with Xizor had left him more concerned than usual about her safety and he wanted to be sure that she was taking all the precautions she could to protect herself from any harm. Striding up the ramp he was confronted by a short, helmeted bounty hunter. Holding up his hands he surrendered, "Ok, Bousch, what did you do with the Princess?"

Taking off the helmet, Leia faced him grinning from ear to ear. "Not bad, huh? Perfect fit!"

Rieekan returned her fervor with a smile and added, "Let's just hope it's perfect enough for Jabba. I wanted to check on you one more time before you take-off. I have to tell you again that I'd feel better if you took Rogue Squadron for back-up."

Trying to relieve his fears, Leia responded, "I know, but it just doesn't make sense to take them with us since Luke and the Rogues failed last time they tried to rescue Han. This is the only way. The smaller the group the better."

He knew she was right and that there was nothing else he could do for her. Holding his arms open he said, "Alright, Leia." He held her in a fatherly embrace and added, "Come back safely with my favorite pilot."

Luke came to the top of the ramp and announced that it was time to leave. Putting his hands on each of their shoulders General Rieekan bestowed his blessing on them.

"May the Force be with you."

He descended the ramp and watched as the ship shuddered, then lifted and turned, speeding into the blackness of space towards Tatooine. "May the Force be with you," he whispered again to himself.

_I'm going crazy in love for you baby_

_(I can't eat and I can't sleep)_

Twisting and turning in the bunk, Leia gave-up trying to sleep. His presence was everywhere in the room, and she wished she could drink it in to soothe her racing thoughts. Instead, she went to the cockpit and sat in his chair. It wouldn't be much longer now. "Soon, Han, soon", she thought, "We'll be there."

_vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv_

_I'm going down like a stone in the sea_

_Yeah, no one can rescue me_

How long had he been nowhere? He had no idea. He had no sense of time… no sense of space… no sense of himself. He felt like he was caught in the eternal nine hells of Corellia. There was no today… no tomorrow… even his yesterdays had disappeared. He was falling deeper and deeper into the abyss with no one there to pull him out.

_Baby, I'm too lost in you_

_Caught in you_

_Lost in everything about you_

_So deep, I can't sleep_

_I can't think_

_I just think about the things that you do_

_I'm too lost in you_

The End


End file.
